


Another chance at love

by Isabeauu



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 14:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1308988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I was fine before coming here. Completely fine with the entire situation. It’s not like I ever yearned the relationship I had with Adam. We grew apart and that was that. But somehow this show reminded me of my feelings when I was still head over heels for the man in front of me. How I maybe still am, even though this isn’t what I expected."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another chance at love

**Author's Note:**

> This is in no way something I believe in or hoping to happen, just to make that clear. This is just a figment of my imagination I wanted to write down. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

Hearing Adam hit notes no one should be even _allowed_ to hit touches me every single time as if it’s the first time. It’s not a secret I have a weak spot for Adam’s voice, okay? But then it’s also not a secret I still have a weak spot for Adam in general, so maybe the voice isn’t all there is at the moment. The entire picture of Adam sharing a stage with two of the people he _worships_ and looks up to since he was just a cute little boy makes my heart swell with such pride. He’s fulfilled his dreams and way beyond, and I can’t help but watch him with the biggest smile on my face.

And then Bohemian Rhapsody starts and I don’t know what to feel anymore. The song Adam used to sing in the shower _a lot_ , even before starting rehearsals with Queen for the European shows two years ago. It just increased after that, and it hurts me, but it’s also reassuring in some way, as if some things don’t change at all and Adam is still singing for just me to hear. But I know that’s bullshit. He’s not singing this for me, and that hurts me as well.

 

Watching him walking the stage, enjoying, giving the fans exactly what they want while doing exactly what _he_ wants somehow makes me realize all the things I’m missing out on. I’m here, but I won’t be going home with Adam tonight, and even after the year that’s passed since our breakup, it stings. I don’t cry, but it’s a close thing. And then of course they have to start singing _Somebody to love._

 

_I work hard every day of my life_

_I work till I ache my bones_

_At the end_

_I take home my hard earned pay all on my own_

_I get down on my knees_

_And I start to pray_

_Till the tears run down from my eyes_

_Lore, somebody, oh somebody_

_Can anybody find me somebody to love._

 

There’s no way lyrics could hit closer to home, except for the praying, ‘cause I don’t do that. Although there have been many occasions at which I asked _someone_ to please make things hurt a little less so maybe I could be completely happy again. The first few weeks of living with Lexi were not easy. Like, not at all. Not that I was unhappy, or depressed. I was no such thing, but it was weird, and sad, to not go home to Adam’s foolishness anymore. To not get to hear Adam sigh and whine while checking mails from his manager or whoever wanted something from him, not get to see Adam pull funny faces while cooking or telling a story. To not get to hear the stupid little things happening to Adam that day. I only got the general info every couple of days, and it was a weird situation. We’d parted amicably and maybe that was the hardest part from it all. Both of us still kind of wanting the other, but knowing that _wanting_ wasn’t the right emotion to build on. It’s not as if we hadn’t tried to fix things. We seemed to not have done anything else for the last three months of our relationship.

 

By the time I get out of my head, Adam is already singing _We Are The Champions_ and I know this is the last song. He struts the stage, showing the fans exactly why they were looking forward to this moment so much. Cause I know they did, even without going on Twitter very often, it wasn’t hard to miss the excitement about what they like to call _Queenbert._ And with one last encore, _Queenbert_ is over and the stage is empty. The noise, on the other hand, is even more noticeable now that music isn’t playing anymore. It takes the crowd another minute to realize the show is really over and they’re not going to come back on stage, so while talking a mile a minute with their friends, they leave through the doors while I stay seated until most of them are gone. The girl next to me smiles at me again before saying: “They were really good, weren’t they?” And how could I do anything else than nod, cause, yes, they were really good. Amazingly good. “Thanks again”, she smiles shyly, showing me the piece of paper I autographed earlier, before turning around and follow everyone outside. I smile while following her with my eyes for a while, before also standing up and trying to find the best way to get to the ground floor and go backstage.

 

It takes me ten minutes to find a way, another five to get backstage and another fifteen minutes to find the green room Adam’s at. It also took me three texts and one call from a laughing Adam about my lacking skills of orientation.

 

“Everything looks the same in here!” I defend myself when I finally walk inside and Adam immediately starts laughing, throwing his head back and everything. “It’s not that funny.”

 

“Oh yes it is. You’re hopeless. Always have been.”

 

“Shut up.” I smile. Is it wrong to feel like a love-struck teenager again when Adam lays his eyes on me and says things like that? Stupid little things reminding me that he _knows_ me. He remembers what I did or didn’t. “You doing anything?”

 

“Nah, not really. I’m beat, so probably will just go home and finally sleep in my own bed again.”

 

“Sounds nice.” I remember him loving to spend a night in his bed after having been gone for a while. “So no wild LA parties?”

 

“Not for me, nope.” He starts removing stage make-up from his face gently, something I remember seeing a lot of too. It fascinates me all over again, as if it’s the first time seeing him doing this. “You doing anything?”

 

“No. I maybe hoped you wanted to go have a drink with me or something.” No I didn’t. I don’t even know where that came from. But I said it and there’s no turning back, and when I think about it, I _do_ want him to go somewhere with me.

 

Maybe coming here tonight wasn’t the best idea ever. It seems to be fucking with my mind like never before, and is it wrong to want to tweet the world how much I adore this man _again?_ I did it once, _while_ watching him perform with Queen in London two years ago. But we were together then and now we’re not and it’s a completely different situation. One I better not hope Adam feeling the same sudden feeling as me.

 

I was fine before coming here. Completely _fine_ with the entire situation. It’s not like I ever yearned the relationship I had with Adam. We grew apart and that was that. But somehow this show reminded me of my feelings when I was still head over heels for the man in front of me. How I maybe _still_ am, even though this isn’t what I expected.

 

“Sure we can go somewhere. We can also go back to my place.”

 

“Either’s fine with me.”

 

“Let me take off my make up real quick then.”

 

“Always the drama queen.” I tease him like I used to. He just scoffs and keeps removing the eyeliner and mascara and whatever other crap is plastered on him right now. I always like him without make up anyway. It’s like slowly he’s turning into my Adam again. And, wow, I’m taking this reminiscing thing way too far.

 

“You were great tonight”, I desperately try to get everything out of my head again. “Really amazing.”

 

“Thanks!” He beams. _Beams_ , and I shyly smile back.

 

“It reminded me of London”, I continue.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes. We had a lot of fun there.” Oh the fun we had there. In – and outside the bedroom. Fuck _Sauli,_ stop it.

 

“We sure did. London rocked. Kinda miss it.”

 

“I do too.”

 

He softly smiles at me. “Whataya miss?”

 

“Just… everything. Having my sisters there and Tommy and then watching you perform and having the time of your life.”

 

“Hmm. Do you ever wish you could, like, you know, go back?”

 

“To London?”

 

“Well, not London exactly but more like… that time in London?”

 

“Oh.” _Oh_. Is he asking me what I think he’s asking me? Cause, that can’t be, right? He can’t be thinking about that and _missing_ it like I’m missing it at the moment. “I used to not think about it too much. But watching you tonight? Yeah. I miss it a lot.”

 

He sits himself down on the couch against the wall on the right and starts going through his bag. “That really was a great time.”

 

He said that already, but somehow it’s not the same thing he’s telling me. It’s so much more. “Would you -”

 

Would I what?

 

“Never mind”, Adam quickly adds.

 

“Don’t. You know I hate this. Would I what…?”

 

“Do you ever wonder where we’d be if we didn’t break up?”

 

Does _he_?

 

And what does he expect me to say? Before tonight, I never thought about it, I never thought about wanting Adam back desperately. But now I do. “Do you?”

 

“Sometimes”, he quietly admits, and I don’t know what to say. “I’m sorry, shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, let’s just… uh, go to my place, okay?”

 

“No, I – Adam.” He stands up and looks at me with a look that’s begging me to drop it. “Wait.” The look stays, but he’s listening. “I never thought about it until tonight. Seeing you on stage reminded me of everything and how I felt back then, and I wonder why I ever let go of that feeling. I wonder when I started losing it and how I never missed it until now.” He stays quiet. “If that makes sense.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.” I nod. “I miss you.”

 

Wow. Not how I expected this night to go, but definitely not complaining. “I miss you, too”, I blurt out without thinking. And I can’t even regret it, because it’s true. I just never realized how true it is until this moment. And maybe that’s good, cause Adam seems to be thinking the same thing so it’s awesome, right?

 

And then suddenly I’m in Adam’s arms and he’s holding me strongly and his perfume hits me in the most perfect way. It’s like nothing has ever happened and it’s all good. Everything’s fine and we never broke up and I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to kiss Adam. “I missed you so much. So sorry for everything.”

 

“Don’t be sorry. Whatever happened, happened. Nothing we can do about it.”

 

He pushes me away from him at arm’s length and watches me closely. “Breaking up was what we needed to do, but… maybe it’s not something that should be definite? Like, maybe whatever we used to feel is back and it could be just like before again?” I don’t know who he’s trying to convince more there, but I’ll go with it.

 

“Or it could all go to hell again.”

 

“Right.” He sounds disappointed but he doesn’t let me go, though, thank god. He just pulls me in his arms again and kisses my scalp. “Would you? Try again, I mean.”

 

“I don’t know.” I honestly don’t. My heart says _hell fucking yes!_ but my head tells me to think about everything and not jump into something in the blink of an eye. Especially not a new relationship with my first long term boyfriend _ever._ “I don’t know, but… I miss you. Us. We’re good together.”

 

“We are”, Adam smiles and kisses my scalp again. “We are.” He squeezes me a little tighter and then lets go. “This is so weird”, he mumbles, and I snort because it being weird it the least you could say. Fucking understatement of the year. I say nothing. “Wanna get out of here? We need to talk about this, whatever is happening, I feel like we should talk about it.”

 

“Yeah. Sure. Your place?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

We don’t talk much while walking to the taxi waiting to take Adam home. We don’t even talk much while driving back to his place. The place we chose together right before breaking up. We even go up in silence and enter the apartment silently.

 

“Whataya want to drink?”

 

“Whatever you’re having.” I look around the living room, and even though I’ve been here a bunch of times since moving out, now is the first time I see memories instead of furniture. The couch we snuggled up on so much while watching movies, or me stroking through Adam’s freshly washed fluffy hair with his head in my lap, hoping jetlag wasn’t too hard on him while watching him fall asleep exhausted at only three in the afternoon. Or the many candle lit dinners at the dinner table near the window. The food fight we once had in the open kitchen to the left, the clothes shed off our bodies making a path towards the bathroom or bedroom or wherever we ended up.

 

“So.. this thing.”

 

Adam laughs and hands me my drink. Then he sits himself down next to me and turns his body towards me. “This thing”, he winks. “I don’t know. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t really follow whatever I feel right now, but then… it feels right, you know? It doesn’t feel like something that could blow up in my face.”

 

“But you can’t know that.”

 

“No. But nothing in life is certain. I thought we were going to spend our life together but then…”

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t cope.”

 

“It’s not your fault, Sauli. It was never your fault.”

 

“No. It wasn’t yours either. It just… stopped working.”

 

“We stopped being a team. We each started living our lives and stopped listening to all the exciting things happen in the other’s life. I’m sorry for that.”

 

I smile tightly, wanting to tell him it’s okay, but it wasn’t. I hated Adam being so excited about everything happening in his life that he didn’t seem to be interested in me maybe getting my own TV program and getting more and more opportunities with every single day that passed. I know that wasn’t what it was like _at all_ but it had felt like it so…

 

“I know. It wouldn’t be any easier now. We’re both still busy and -”

 

How did we go from being friends to talking about maybe giving our relationship another shot in less than an hour time? I wonder. It’s frightening and exciting at the same time. Yet still so fucking _weird_! Like this can only happen in fairytales. Or in movies.

 

“I don’t want this to be about us deciding whether or not we’ll try again. I want it to just happen. So maybe we could just, like… let it happen? See where we go?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

 

I want it to go everywhere. To everything we once were. It’s still weird, and unbelievable surreal, but when Adam takes my drink and puts it on the little table at our feet and wraps his arms around me again, it also feels safe and that’s more than enough for me right now. “I missed holding you. Protecting you. Making you feel safe.”

 

“I missed being held.”

 

“I’m sorry”, he whispers as I wrap my arms around him lightly as well. It feels so right. Like we were born to do this.

 

“It’s okay”, I whisper back. We’ll see where this goes, not forcing anything. And as I enjoy this moment my eyes automatically shut and a tiny little smile appears on my face without me even wanting to. “I forgive you.”

 

“Thanks”, he snorts and tightens the hug a little.

 


End file.
